on having That Conversation

Around about the same time last year, we had That Conversation. You know, the hard one. The one where everyone leaves bruised and sore-throated, but nobody has changed their minds or understands each other any better.

If you've followed any discussion about race in any progressive space on the blogosphere, there's a clear indication where the conversation goes from bearable to shit. It goes like this: someone fails to check their privilege (often not maliciously), gets called on it (not necessarily politely), then acts like they were told they ate babies for brunch. After that, dialogue grinds to a halt.

The problem with how That Conversation progresses (or rather, doesn't) is that people expect it to happen spontaneously without reproducing the same dynamics that already exist. Now add the problems of communicating via social media in general, and you've got a discussion guaranteed to leave everybody all pissed off with neither clarity nor a plan of action. It's not because White people hate Black people, Black people are too angry, Asians too quiet, Latinos don't speak English, or Native Americans too - waitaminute, what Native Americans?

That's the bad news. The good news is that this outcome not a foregone conclusion. I've had That Conversation go well with the most "colorblind" and the most "conscious" people in the same room, all sharing their truths. Honestly, I would prefer having That Conversation with people who've gone through training with the People's Institute for Survival and Beyond and/or have familiarized themselves with the material at Anti-Racist Alliance.

Over at Parabasis, we sort of touched That Conversation, and 99Seats made a good point. That Conversation is important. It's necessary and urgent. But not everyone comes to it with years of experience with anti-racist analysis and organizing, and That Conversation is important enough to not wait until everyone can find the time and money to participate in the training before they have it. However, just jumping into it without a fucking idea of what's going on internally or externally is just asking for somebody to do or say something fucked up. Then, instead of That Conversation you want to have, everything grinds to a halt.

Here are a few guidelines I came up with on how to have That Conversation.

Establish clear goals.
If people don't know what they want to get out of That Conversation, it's a good chance that it's going to turn into a clusterfuck. Be honest. If you just want to show those PC bastards how wrong and stupid they are, admit it. If your goal is to see what everyone else thinks/feels and why they think/feel that way, make that blindingly fucking obvious. If you want to apply a personalized, structural analysis of systemic oppression, say so. Just for the record, that last one is usually what I'm trying to do.

Set common ground.
Everyone who agrees to That Conversation needs to be on the same page, though. If I'm trying to apply a personalized, structured analysis of systemic oppression, and people don't even know what that means, there's no way anyone would have anything worth saying to each other. It'll just be, "You're wrong!" and "No I'm not! And you're a fucking asshole for saying that!" That's boring.

That Conversation needs to have a direction, and there needs to be a shared frame of reference if it's going to go anywhere but all over the place. Whether it's a book, a website, a workshop, or what have you, That Conversation needs to be the common reference.

Get your 101 on.
I don't know about you, but I don't have it in me to try to convince White people that racism is real and has devastating effects on the lives of people of color. Google "racism 101" (yes, exactly like that), and thousands of things are right there at your fingertips. If that's too difficult, I give plenty of links below. Knock yourself out.

Keep learning.
Few things are more disruptive to having That Conversation than someone who thinks they know everything worth knowing about it. Tim Wise named you his successor in the anti-racist movement? Good for you. Now shut the fuck up. No matter how much you know, you don't know shit. You might know more facts than the next person, but a visceral sense of truth is a more powerful tool for understanding and challenging the status quo. Being able to read code is not the same as seeing through the Matrix.

Own your shit.
How the hell can That Conversation lead anywhere if you don't know where everyone is coming from? Where is the system stacked against you? Where are you privileged? What knowledge and experiences are you bringing to this conversation? What assumptions are you clinging to?

If you're a light-skinned Black person who dealt with color issues coming up, and you feel insecure about your Blackness, own it. If you're the White kid who went to a Black school and felt the brunt of the rage and pain of your peers, own it.

Keep it personal.
We can compare data all day long, but comparing data is not making connections. Claim your I-ness. It's a lot easier to have That Conversation when we see and treat each other as people first, not abstract ideas. If everything that everybody said in That Conversation began with IMO or IMXP (because you don't want to get zapped with a logical fallacy and look stupid, do you?), it will never get past hello. But don't act like people don't know what they went through or how they felt about it. You can be the most brilliant intellectual, the most devoted activist, the most persuasive orator but all that is bullshit if you cannot be fully present and fully human.

Opinions can be challenged. Facts can be found. Blind spots can be illuminated. But that can't happen if you strip the humanity out of That Conversation.

Helping to understand.
That Conversation does not work well as a debate. It just doesn't. That Conversation is not a game. It's not something you're trying to win (unless by win you mean make theatre more equitable). As I said around the same time of year last year:

[...] no one is on trial. This is not a cross-examination. Nobody's casting anyone as heroes and villains. In fact, it's just the opposite - I want you to be better Good Guys. To do that takes going beyond earning a little bit of good karma here and there. It takes creating a new way of seeing and existing in the world - and that's not a comfortable place to be in.

A better way to frame That Conversation is around helping people to understand. Fact: not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye on everything. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing in principle. It's simply about people being different. Instead of going into that agree/disagree tailspin, focus instead on seeing more clearly where people are. It's as simple as, "I'm not seeing what you're seeing. Help me understand."

No psychics.
This one is deeply personal for me, so I'll be here a while.

For some reason, when it comes to That Conversation, people act like they're telepathic or some shit and assume they know my feelings or beliefs about things without me telling them exactly what they are. I rarely get this from other women of color, but they're Republican. I can't tell you how many times I've said something like, "That's a pretty privileged position you're speaking from there [insert what's privileged about it]," and have people treat me as though I said, "FUCK YOU RACIST KKK SKINHEAD MOTHERFUCKER!!! YOU R  A PIECE OF SHIT & BE ASHAMED OF URSELF!!! DIE WHITEY DIE!!! Fuck your mama too."

If you feel confident about someone's emotional state or personal beliefs without them telling you explicitly, so confident that your amazing supernatural powers will work over the internet, chances are you're not owning your shit. Because chances are you're not seeing someone talking about something with great personal significance to them that they're very passionate about - you're seeing something else entirely, and you need to own it.

I don't own any tinfoil hats, so don't do this.

Thank people for sharing.
You may think that because I talk about racism a lot, that it's easy for me. It isn't. I really make myself vulnerable on this blog and in other places in ways that I cannot in my daily life. Of all the White people who've read and commented here, only one has openly acknowledged this. Act like it means something when people share their stories with you in That Conversation. When someone is patient enough to explain something you don't understand or to provide you with a resource that does, thank them. It doesn't have to be right away. You can do a follow-up post or comment. Give yourself time to make it count. But do it in a timely manner. Don't just take their stories and consume them for your own self-improvement without so much as a thank you.

For people allergic to Google, here are some resources.
Some required reading:

• "Check my what?" On privilege and what we can do about it by tekanji
• Derailing For Dummies
• I Can Fix It! Volume 1: Racism by Damali Ayo
• For White Folks Commenting on Blogs Run by POC and How to talk to white people about racism by Ankhesen Mie 
• Shall We Talk About Privilege by Womanist Musings
• Understanding Racism Workshop by Guilford College
• Checklist for anti-racist ally behavior by Phyllis Labanowski
• The privilege in your pocket: a manifesto by Stephanie
• Split hairs, White Clouds, and the Eightfold Path by Ankhesen Mie
• When allies fail by Tami

Some required viewing:

• A Selected History of the Political and Economic Development of the United States (which is the Development of White Supremacy in the United States)
• Power analysis with Daniel Buford
• On unexamined privilege and unconscious behaviors by tigtog
• Thinking outside the box with Daniel Buford
• White apologetics Bingo by arborsalinga

Further reading:

• White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh
• Shinin' the Lite on White privilege by Sharon Martinas
• Illusions of superiority by Robert Jensen
• Some White People by Renee Martin at Womanist Musings
• The Unapologetic Mexican - The Glosario by Nezua
• With Friends Like These, Who Needs Glenn Beck? Racism and White Privilege on the Liberal Left by Tim Wise