August 26, 2010

Witchsistah is right (h/t Sister Toldja)

Sista Toldja lays out something Witchsistah and I have been saying for years:

Blatant racism forgiven with the simple words “I’m sorry” brings to mind the phenomenon commonly referred to as Battered Woman’s Syndrome. The victims are unable to walk away from their abuser and continue to return time and time again, without instituting any true demands for an improvement in how they are treated or rehabilitation for their abuser. I have said it once and I will say it again: Black folks will gladly take the moral high road all the way to Hell. Saying “It’s okay” doesn’t always make you the bigger person. ("The Power of No Forgiveness")
This really does make me wonder, though: Why are Black people burdened with this particular expectation? Not just Black people - Black Americans, especially African American women. For real, no other group of people is held to such a standard. Know why? Because it's fucking ridiculous.

If Dr. Laura screamed, "Seig Heil!" eleven times on the air, do you really think people would expect Jews and other groups persecuted during the Holocaust to "just get over it"? Nope! Know why? Because it's fucking ridiculous.

If Mel Gibson yelled, "You're gonna burn in hell with the fags! You're gonna get raped by a bunch of dykes!" do you think people would dare to tell LGBTQ people to "let it go"? Nope. Know why? Because it's fucking ridiculous.

Now women - especially battered women - are at times held to this standard, especially by people who don't know battered women. Trust me, decent human beings who have known women in abusive relationships are a lot less forgiving of abuse. But the thing is - people know how fucking sick it is to ask (demand!) forgiveness for that. People know how sick it is to expect a woman who's been abused to not be fearful or distrustful of men in general because of her experience and the fact that we live in a society that requires men to prove their manhood through their domination of women and turns a blind eye to the inevitable violence that results. Nevertheless, when abuse does come to light, a position of forgiveness and reconciliation is rightly seen as unhealthy, particularly when the abuse is extremely violent.

So why are Black people supposed to tolerate bullshit 'til the cows come home without so much as criticizing - let alone retaliating - the most horrendous shit humanity has to offer? What is it about us that inspires the requirement of saintlike virtue on our part?

Truly, I want to know.

12 comments:

  1. The world is fucking crazy?

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  2. Who on earth would expect black women to forgive Dr. Laura? That's bananas. (I believe you, I just can't imagine anybody forgiving her, least of all black women.)

    We're seeing a similar thing now with Mehlman coming out. Luckily it seems the queer community is meeting this news with a resounding, "Nope. Not forgiven. Never gonna happen."

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  3. PS I took me a minute to discover that your Sista toldja is not this Sister Toldja. I was like, what the fuck is RVC reading?

    http://sistertoldjah.com/archives/2010/08/25/ken-mehlman-former-rnc-chair-and-bush-campaign-manager-comes-out-of-the-closet/

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  4. @Josh:

    Could you imagine what would happen if he was like, "Aw, c'mon! I said I was sorry!"

    Hell, the least they can do is write a check and do some community service.

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  5. @Josh:

    Wooooooooooooooooooooooow. I doubt the other Sister Toldja would be very happy about that.

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  6. I have asked this same question but the answer is quite simple. We want to be liked. As a result, we've set the bar very low for what is acceptable.

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  7. Black people are like the tag-alongs of the most popular clique in high school. No matter how evident people make it that we'll always be at the bottom of the barrel, we always have to try "just one more time" to be accepted. I guess being tolerated (on a good day) is better than nothing at all.

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  8. I guess being tolerated (on a good day) is better than nothing at all.

    I suppose. I yearn for the day when we as a people get tired of this shit and move to another planet with the aliens (plus the White folks who have a clue).

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  9. Girl, we have folks who do tell victims of abuse to forgive their abuser. We have folks telling rape survivors to forgive their rapist. "Try to see what s/he's been through." WTF?!?!

    Hell naw. Like what Sister Toldja said, folks think forgiving someone means that you don't think what they did to you was all that bad. Rarely do folks who ask for forgiveness do any other sort of reparations. They just ask for/demand forgiveness.

    I'm of the mind of letting people know in various ways that certain behaviors and acts towards me are unacceptable. For me, forgiveness will come gradually, as I see the person changing the way they behave. Just saying, "Sorry" doesn't cut it.

    One good thing came from "Jade's" CNN interview. She said she would not accept Dr. La-La's apology (she qualified it with an "at this time" but I'm trying to be optimistic here). She said that Dr. Laura only apologized because she got caught. True. She also wants Jade to accept because then she could tell her detractors, "See, the darkie forgives me. Now why can't you?/This issue is closed."

    And other folks mean "I'm sorry" when they want to say, "Shut the fuck up about it." That was my mother regarding her and my sister's abuse. That "I'm sorry" she threw out at me definitely meant "Quit complaining about how we treat you." I didn't accept it then and I wouldn't accept it now from either of them.

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  10. And other folks mean "I'm sorry" when they want to say, "Shut the fuck up about it." That was my mother regarding her and my sister's abuse. That "I'm sorry" she threw out at me definitely meant "Quit complaining about how we treat you." I didn't accept it then and I wouldn't accept it now from either of them.

    I think that, for the most part, people don't regard racism, sexism and homophobia as abuse - even though it shows all the signs. If it was 1-on-1, and the situation played out like it did, people would be like, "Damn that's some fucked up abusive shit." But I guess if you make a problem big enough you don't have to do anything to fix it.

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  11. Among my family and friends I am known as the one who holds a grudge. Why? Because I will not tolerate abuse, manipulation, disrespect, stealing, misuse of my personal property, or people who try to take advantage of me.

    It is crazy to me that I'm expected to be friendly with people who stole money out of my wallet, attacked my mother, free loaded off of me, or told me "people only like you cause you light skin".

    Truly these people must believe Black women are the mules of the world but I am not the one. I will not raise my voice or respond with violence, I'll just leave you the hell alone. I will not talk to you unless it is absolutely necessary and I'll tell my mother not to give you my contact info.

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  12. It is crazy to me that I'm expected to be friendly with people who stole money out of my wallet, attacked my mother, free loaded off of me, or told me "people only like you cause you light skin".

    *rolls eyes*

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