March 15, 2010

My kinda show

I'm gonna save up my pennies to go see Vampire Cowboys' Alice in Slasherland. Why? Because it's fucking Alice in Slasherland, that's why. It's like asking "Why Frank Sinatra?" Because it's fucking Frank Sinatra!. Do you really need any other reason?

After this serious turn with Anne&Me is over, I'm gonna see about writing a D&D game as a script using genre-savvy characters. Or my personal favorite - a horror story for smart people. Imagine:

SCENE: Woods. Late night.

CAMPER 1: What's the name of this place again?
CAMPER 2: Crystal Lake.
CAMPER 1: Why does that sound f - hey, ain't this where all those people got cut up?
CAMPER 2: Yeah, but it was a long time ago. Hey, where you going?
CAMPER 1: Home. I'll just watch Animal Planet or something.

SCENE: Big-assed house in upstate New York.

1ST HALF OF LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE: This is so cool! And it's only $2,000. This is amazing!
2ND HALF OF LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE: Yeah, and in this economy with our credit score.
2ND HALF OF LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE: Too bad we can't stay.
SCARY VOICE: (Whispering) Get. Out.
1ST HALF OF LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE: I heard the South Bronx is really nice this time of year.
2ND HALF OF LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE: If we sell one of the kids I think we could scrape by in Williamsburg.

Or maybe something like . . .


  1. The SCREAM series tried to do this, but really they only snarked on the conventions the smart characters thought were stupid, instead of the obvious Gothic ones the witless heroine ignored (A: Check whether your mom's slutty affairs have damaged the kids; B: Those friends who hang around like lint probably want you dead; C: learn firearm safety; D: Trust No One; E: If you're in a strange place, get out; if you're in a familiar place, get out)

    I don't think a horror movie's been made yet with A Girl and A House where the girl didn't scream. What would that do to the genre?

  2. @cgeye:


    GIRL creeping along hallways, eyes peeled for someone in the house.

    SLASHER jumps out with knife.

    GIRL grabs nearest heavy object and bludgeons the slasher until the white meat comes out.

  3. I think that's why I consider The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (the original, accept no remakes, reboots, sequels or substitutes) so amazing and utterly terrifying: at no point do I watch it and think, "You guys are being stupid." I think it's safe to say that, given the circumstances, I'd do the exact same things the heroes/victims do.

    And I just saw Alice in Slasherland last night. Save your pennies and go. Oh. Wow. Go. I'm definitely going again.