April 12, 2011

Why I call myself queer

I don't often talk about my sexuality in great detail on my blog. It's not because I'm a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm intensely private about that aspect of myself, at least online. Like many women, I'm reluctant to say too much for fear of attracting the wrong kind of attention. And, to be blunt, my sexuality is one of those areas where I have zero patience or tolerance for other people's ignorant bullshit.

Labels, for instance.

I say queer because that's easier than saying, "I don't want to deal with your pre-/mis- conceptions about who I can fall in love/like/lust with and how that happens for me."

When I saw the Big Reveal in The Crying Game, I didn't get what the big deal was. In fact, I felt bad for Dill because of how Fergus reacted. In fact, I realized I was queer when I realized that a Crying Game moment would not be a dealbreaker in my attraction to someone.

My sexuality does not fit into neat little categories and patterns. I am not gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Pansexual/omnisexual don't fit either, and if bisexuals get a bad rap - well, at least people assume bisexuals are limited to humans. And if I never have to deal with, "Would you sleep with [random person/animal/inanimate object]?" followed by (when I say, "No." or "I don't know."), "But I thought you liked everything." Cue me explaining - again - that I cannot determine who I can love/like/lust based on gender alone. I won't even get into the conversation about pansexal and polyamorous not being the same thing.

So, I call myself queer. Because I don't want to fucking explain. And get this: I don't have to explain. Know why? Because whatever gender and sexuality hangups you have - that's your bullshit. It's only a problem for me because you can't keep it to yourself, which makes life difficult for me.

Seriously, why do you need to know? You want to have sex with me? You know someone I could hook up with? Are you insecure about your relationship to your partner and want to make sure I don't use my African Voodoo Pussy to steal them from you? Is there a Nice Jewish Boy/Girl/Noneoftheabove I should meet because you know we'd rock each other's worlds? No? Then why the fuck is any of this anybody's goddamn business? Again, refer to, "I don't want to deal with deconstructing your bullshit ideas about who I can love/like/fuck."

So, that's why I just say queer.

22 comments:

  1. I like the word "Queer" for the power it has in intellectual discourse. "Queer" means the undefined. I do bristle when I hear exclusive gays and lesbians use the word to describe themselves, because the word doesn't really address what they mean. Anymore. "Gayness" and "Lesbianism", for all practical intents and purposes has definitions understood by the general public. Those sexualities are no longer "Queer", as they've been defined.

    I like that "Queer" also has a verb aspect to it. You've "queered" the discussion of what it means to have a certain type of attraction/sexual profile. In fact, all types of discussions can be "Queered"... politics, religion, etc.

    Such a dynamic word that's been reclaimed and repurposed.

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  2. "Gayness" and "Lesbianism", for all practical intents and purposes has definitions understood by the general public. Those sexualities are no longer "Queer", as they've been defined.

    Interesting thought. What about gays and lesbians who object to the word "queer" in and of itself?

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  3. "I do bristle when I hear exclusive gays and lesbians use the word to describe themselves, because the word doesn't really address what they mean."

    Aine, Oh, that's me. I am an exclusively homo male who refers to myself as 'queer.' I find it empowering and for me it just means anything outside the mainstream. If you're suggesting that gay and lesbian people are mainstream now, I'm not sure if I agree that we're quite there.

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  4. If you're suggesting that gay and lesbian people are mainstream now, I'm not sure if I agree that we're quite there.

    Oh, come on! You have Glee and Ellen DeGeneres. What more do you people want?

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  5. *I am actually Aine-Xenon but for some reason, I can't post with my LJ ID.*

    RVCBard, this is exactly why I like discussions about "Queerness". Since it's not something *defined*, there's an infinite number of feelings that individuals can have about it. I've had some really thought-provoking exchanges with LGBT folks who do object to the word and the idea behind it.

    JoshCon, as I mentioned in my response a few lines above, I find this to be a very stimulating topic. You have every right to use the word, it's not as if anyone of us owns it. I should have qualified my statement about exclusive gays and lesbians to mean "most of them that *I* have been in contact with". And anyway, no, I definitely don't believe we've even come to the point where gays and lesbians can expect to be included as mainstream. Not right now. Our (USA) society hasn't earned that yet.

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  6. sidenote: RVCBard, are you removing my comment? I've tried to respond now several times without success.

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  7. Nope, never removed anything. Blogspot can turn buggy all of a sudden sometimes.

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  8. Hmm, buggy indeed.

    I just want to to that I really do enjoy thoughtful discussions about what the word "Queer" means to the individual. It's rarely ever the same in any two people.

    And JoshCon, no, I don't think that the USA society has earned the privilege to say that lesbians and gays are mainstream. Not by a long shot. I mean that the person who is gay or lesbian is more or less understood more than a person who calls themselves queer.

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  9. Aine, I see what you mean and I agree. I guess I'd just say that the word 'queer' can eman a lot of things to a lot of different people. Maybe that's its power?

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  10. Greetings!

    I have linked to this post from my Facebook and twitter account. WIth a THIS!!! comment.

    Thank you for so eloquently put to words what I have felt for a while. I have always found frustrating people's curiosity about what I do with my bits and with whom. Specially people who have no interest in said its themselves...

    Once again, thank you!

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  11. @Susana:

    I'm glad that I'm not the only one too.

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  12. But I truly loathe the "I don't prefer labels" crowd of the upper classes, when they're signaling their right to retreat when they're put on the spot to defend their sexual preferences politically.

    For that reason, I think labels are necessary; otherwise, it up to the people getting together to define who they are.

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  13. But I truly loathe the "I don't prefer labels" crowd of the upper classes, when they're signaling their right to retreat when they're put on the spot to defend their sexual preferences politically.

    True, but I think there's a difference between saying, "I'm queer" and dodging the issue altogether.

    Ditto with, "Just a phase."

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  14. I don't think there is a word for what I am.

    Of course I'd probably have to completely understand what I am first before I would know for sure.

    There just doesn't seem to be a category for me! I wonder if, maybe, categories aren't really the right way to think of people?

    Hmmm. :)

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  15. I'm physically female & 90+% heterosexual; but many of my behaviors & preferences fall into the 'male' zone.

    Don't know if I would define myself as 'queer' but do know I am a somewhat outlier & do realize that there are many 'outliers' out there.

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  16. *plays the game*

    Lusty Eaglefeathers does not understand this word queer. Is this when two totem sticks stand up?

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  17. Lusty Eaglefeathers does not understand this word queer. Is this when two totem sticks stand up?

    How, Lusty Eaglefeathers!

    Two totem sticks standing up mean gay when totem sticks belong to braves. Totem stick belong to squaw make White Man confused. So White Man use word queer. No, I take that back. White Man steal phrase Two-Spirit and write books for thousands of dollars.

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  18. Lusty Eaglefeather: *blank stare* Okay, well, I go steal white women off of wagons because they secretly hate Western representations and restrictions of their own women and want to be free with us savages.

    Real response: Great post, I too identify as queer. Sometimes "so fucking queer", but 80% of the time, just queer.

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  19. Sometimes "so fucking queer", but 80% of the time, just queer.

    Funny that you mention that. I posted to my LJ about fucking with gender, but that's for LJ friends only because people often don't know how to act when it comes to things that close to me.

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  20. I have an LJ as well.

    ...Which is also friends only. *narrows eyes*

    ...Username is leastconcern

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  21. This post and everything in it a million times over and over and over. Every time my sexuality comes up, I spend 20 minutes trying to explain to people what the terms mean and why I prefer one term over another and no, just because my current partner is a cis-male, does not mean that you can come to just any conclusion about my sexuality. It's frustrating and tiring and this is a perfect way of summing those feelings up and responding. Thank you!

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